The Dynamist

The Dynamist has come under scrutiny recently for her frequent use of dynamite. A New York Times op/ed piece gave voice to the common man's concerns, saying, "Though the Dynamist has, in the past, only dynamited things widely considered bad or of no consequence--large rocks, terrorists' hideouts, stores selling school uniforms--the problem with the Dynamist is that you can never be sure what she'll dynamite next." Several dynamite factories known to have sold to her faced the prospect of walkouts by disgruntled employees. In response, the Dynamist quit the practice. "That's okay," she said in an interview, "I was thinking of giving dynamite a rest anyway. I am a Dynamist, not a demolitionist."

Senator Muriel Borland (R-MD) has famously criticized the Dynamist as a hypocrite over the issue of her day job. "I'm dynamic," Sen. Borland claimed. "She's a data entry clerk." Few could dispute that data entry lacks dynamism; strange as it may seem, several of the Dynamist's coworkers had not been aware of her identity. The Dynamist addressed the issue in a live press conference, saying, "If you want you can look at it as the exception that proves the rule. Dynamism is a way of life, though, not a job. I don't like to define myself by my job. Or anything else." Sen. Borland's approval rating declined by 12%. Asked what they would like to be when they grow up, 18% of elementary schoolers in a recent study answered "data entry clerk."

Varun Jagaroo, CEO of a a respected Wall Street brokerage firm, has attributed his own business success to the Dynamist's philosophy. "Nobody understands diversification the way she does," said Jagaroo, "that's why she's been so successful in her own business ventures, artistic pursuits, and military campaigns." In a letter to the editor of a small Midwestern weekly newspaper, the Dynamist responded, "Since I've covered my bases on success, I've decided it's time to try failing." Jagaroo's firm closed its doors six months later after declaring bankruptcy. Jagaroo currently squats in an empty warehouse in Tennessee, and claims he's never felt better.

The public was outraged when a study published by the Ohio State University ranked the Dynamist as the happiest person in America, just 3 months after a separate study revealed that 67.4% of Americans aged 35-85 frequently experienced feelings of intense dislike toward the Dynamist. In a note fished from the Dynamist's sister's garbage, she dismissed the study as no longer valid. "That was then, this is now. But it might also be later. Or later might be now."

Us Weekly's famous "Exhausted of the Dynamist" cover served only to put an exclamation point onto a rising popular sentiment that the Dynamist was receiving too much news coverage, too much of the public's attention. CBS commentator Rich Harrington began one of his more popular rants, "People say she's doing a lot. Guess what? I don't care if she's doing everything. I'm sick of having her shoved in my face everywhere I look." In her introduction to a new edition of Neil Gaiman's American Gods published following the release of the movie, which she produced, the Dynamist stated, "I've never gone seriously out of my way to draw attention to myself, other than through my horticultural pursuits, my paintings, and my exercise videos. And the liberation of Tibet."

Parents all over the country are terrified that their children view the Dynamist too positively. A Youtube video that gained popuarity after being linked on shows a pantsuit-clad woman at a PTA meeting breaking down in tears, screaming, "What is it that they see in her? She's not sexy, violent, rebellious... at least not all the time! What does she even do? What happened to role models who do one thing, so I can at least figure out why they're a bad influence? What happened to having one life, one career, one personality? What happened to knowing people? What do my kids understand that I don't?" The woman's daughter, later appearing on The Daily Show, responded with similar but opposite confusion. "I don't get what adults are so freaked out about. It's like they're scared of anything that wasn't around when they were kids." The Dynamist, being characteristically uncharacteristic, refused comment. Pope Benedict XVI declared her the Antichrist.

Today, August 14th, 2012, the Dynamist formally stepped down, mere days after endorsing herself for the Presidency while urging nobody to vote for her. "In keeping with the principles of dynamism, I have decided to stop being the Dynamist. It was a good run, but it's somebody else's turn," she announced before a cadre of reporters in the White House press room. A swarm of questions followed. On the video footage, one as-yet-unidentified reporter can be heard asking, "But where will I go? What will I do?" The Dynamist, in response, simply explained that the decision was a personal one. "Dynamism," she stated, "is not what it used to be."

A new Dynamist has not yet stepped forward. High rates of suicide are expected among the many public festivities currently underway.


M. Shaw
M. Shaw is, at this very moment, sitting around with a couple of film-making colleagues trying to explain why a series set aboard a space ship without impulse engines would probably be really boring. It often wonders, "Did I survive the Infamous Meat Packing Incident for this?" Its blog, which contains a complete publication list, appearance schedule, and series of incoherent entires that it does not remember writing, can be found at